Looking at the date from my last blog it's been almost a whole friggen year since I have written a blog. Sometimes I don't even know why I even attempt to even have a blog on my website. I say things to myself, like really who the F*** am I that anyone is really gonna be interested in reading one of my blogs, but then I am out searching the net, and come across some person's dope ass blog who lives in the corner of B.F.W which stands for Bum Fuck Egypt definition the middle of fuggen nowhere.
I read their blog and get a major case of blog envy, and I think...way can't I have a cool, interesting blog like that, so any way here I am again. I use to be a very avid reader of A LOT of blogs, from photographers to comedians to just random nobodies who are good blogger's, now, not so much. I just don't have the time, to keep up with a lot of blogs. I can't even keep my own updated, so how do I aspect to read, and keep up with others.
Anyway, I guess the most important thing in my life which I have pretty much kept to myself, and kept quite about is something some of you know. I lost my oldest 21yr old son Jan. 7th, 2010. I'm not going to go into details, it's just to painful, but that day will always be so surreal in my mind. I was setting on my couch so excited waiting on the National Championship Football game to come on with my team the Texas Long Horns playing Alabama, the game had just gotten underway, and Texas was off to a very impressive start. I really didn't have much hope of them winning this game, but their my team, and I would be rooting my ass off, jumping up and down screaming at the TV.......then came the dreaded phone call that turned my world totally upside down.....forever. It's a weird thing, a life changing experience like that, losing one of your kids, is just something incompressible. It's just something that can't really be explained to you in words, so I won't try. What it does to your life, can't be explained so I won't try. What I will say is that it's like one of those snow globes that you pick up and shake, and then watch all the snow settle back down. Well, that's your life shaken up...things that were so important to you yesterday...paying bills on time, your job, your life in general everything just kinda loses that luster especially the good.
Life can be challenging enough as is it...how many of us are stressed about our lives in general, add in the death of one of your kids, and it's just overkill, so in short I will say. I kinda was off kilter, I guess maybe I still am, I just deal with it, you know, and the longer time passes the better I deal, but it never goes away, and it never really gets easier, it just gets easier to deal. So, that January day my passion, my drive for a lot of things died with my son. My creative side went totally dormant, into hibernation. I was actually beginning to think it would never come back. Being a self employed freelance photographer with no motivation, and no creative drive. Well, you might has well forget about it. So, a lot of shit fell apart. I lost my secondary job, I lost my luxury photography studio, and live/work loft. I lost a lot of things, but none of them really compared in general to losing my son.
It's like I didn't even really care. They say time heals all wounds, and I use to be a very strong believer in that saying. Now, not so much. I have a wound embedded in my soul, that I know is there for the rest of my life, and I have to deal with that. Anyway, I've gotten off track, but the moral of this story is I had stopped my photography...everything, all the marketing I had done, all the time setting in front of a computer screen networking, all the time spent came to a screeching halt. I actually thought about just selling off everything, and giving it up entirely. I decided against that, and decided to give myself some time, to see if I could get it back *IT* what ever it was. My drive, my creative nature that's embedded in my soul, it just seemed to have died when my son died. It's been eight months since Patrick passed away, and even though the thought of losing him never leaves my mind a second. My mojo is starting to come back. On top of losing Patrick, add in being in a complicated relationship with a women I now refer to ass the Devil, and I had some major obstacles to overcome, but I'm getting there, getting my swag back, trying to heal myself, and in doing that I am starting to get my motivation back, wanting to line up and book shoots, which a couple months ago to me sounded like trying to climb Mnt. Everest.
I never really let anyone know I wasn't shooting, I just didn't book anything. If someone asked about a shoot, I would just give an excuse of why I couldn't do it. I honestly just didn't have it in me. I just kinda let everything I had built up fall to peaces around me, and putting all those peaces back together was just something I didn't have the energy for. I am back, back in the saddle. I did my first shoot, and head shots which is posted on my fb fan page, and they came pretty good, so now I am actively booking again, and looking forward to really getting some new rocking shoots under my belt. I've been doing this for a minute, so once I was able to flip the switch to on again, it's just kinda like I never missed a beat. There are always people wanting to work with me, if I am available. So, I have already lined up 4 shoots in the next couple weeks. I really am excited to feel that excitement returning about my work, and my passion which is the Art of Photography. I'm really looking forward to the shoots. I know it's what Patrick would want. He wouldn't want me to stop doing what I love, because of him, so for me to quit and give up because of losing him, it would almost be dishonoring his memory. So, I am back at it...I've moved into a new LOT bigger space, but it needs some paint, and a lot of work, but I think it will be a lot better setup then the loft I had once I have it where it needs to be. It's around 2k square foot of open space which is perfect for photography.
Please if you read this blog, acknowledge it and let me know on my fb page, or something. It pretty much feels like you're writing something that no one is gonna read, you never really know if anyone reads it, so you think, hmm, why waste time to write it...no one is gonna read it anyway. So, if you do read my blog, please subscribe or let me know on my fb fan page. In the mean time I am going to start answering, and talking about photography some in general on this blog, something in the beginning I never intended to do, there are tons, and tons of Photographers on the web that specialise their blog, and websites about photography in general, but I get a LOT of messages from everyday friends, and other budding photographers asking this, or that about photography, so I am going to start putting in my 2cents on some subjects, but this blog will never become just a photography tech blog. I will still post events I attend, to you name it. What ever is on my mind that has peaked my interest that I think maybe you might be interested in.
I have a VERY good friend of mine, and if you read this you know who you are, that had told me to write months ago even before I lost my son. She said she wrote all the time, but never let anyone read it. She just threw it away after writing. I ask her...well, whats the point then, she said it's therapy. It's her therapy, and since I'm on the Freelance Photographer Health Plan I can't really afford really, real therapy so I guess this form will have to do.
I dedicate this blog post in memory of my son Patrick Dwain Holly
March 17, 1988 - January 7, 2010 - FOREVER 21
This is a picture I took of Patrick for his Prom
in 2006. It's my favorite picture of him.